when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize