By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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