god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
