My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
