Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
