Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My penis needs a shock collar
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
