i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
