the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
