My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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