There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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