I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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