strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
