Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
