I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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