i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
