I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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