I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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