come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
