i already hear my dad disowning me
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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