He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
