she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
