Who did Billy Mays play for?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
