So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
