i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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