dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
