I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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