and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
