He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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