btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
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Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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