Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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