I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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