It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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