Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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