I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
