i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
