Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
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my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
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I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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