Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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