She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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