Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
