Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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