Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
