Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
