He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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