sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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