Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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