We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my liver is dry heaving
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
