do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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