I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
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I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions