I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage