The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
