So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
