I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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