My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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