Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
